An Ode To Danny Tanner

Motorola Flip Phone

This is Danny Tanner's grandfather. (Flickr/RobotSkirts)

Danny Tanner is the name of my current phone. My previous phone, a MyTouch, was stolen by aliens while I was sleeping. This new one is a red LG flip phone and it reeks of the late 90’s. I’m half-expecting it to give me a hug and a life lesson before I go to bed one of these days. 

Most people would be upset at regressing back to a phone from a different era. They would yell and cry and tear their hair out. They would throw Danny Tanner at the wall, frustrated by its inefficiency. They would taunt and sneer at Danny Tanner while it was sleeping. They would walk through Best Buy with no purpose except to gaze longingly at the Jack Donaghy’s.

I don’t do any of these things.  

Danny Tanner allows me to relive all the great things about old, inefficient phones. And, as per my Navroz resolution to see the good in all and be more comfortable with change, I have decided to write a thank you list, dedicated to Danny Tanner. 

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for being an awkward, wannabe-metallic-y shade of red, so that you stand out among your peers.

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for being so small that I can literally fit three of you in my pocket.

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for having such a terrible built-in camera that I thank God for things like “eyes” and “color.”

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for helping me to develop my research skills. I sing with joy at the resume-building that happens when I have to look back through each individual text I get to find out what I should say in reply to the current text that I’ve just received because you don’t have conversation-style texting.

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for having a battery life that could put the Energizer bunny to shame.

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for having actually-clickable buttons that make noise when I’m texting. It allows the colleagues around me to inform me that I should stop texting and get back to work. 

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for neglecting me internet access so I can’t randomly decide to Google things on the train ride home, like subway maps of San Francisco or what actually happened to Lorelai and Luke at the end of Gilmore Girls.

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for the variety of disco ringtones. You’re right. I was missing the 70’s.

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for the strength of your vibration. The more startled, unprepared practicing for earthquakes, the better. 

Thank you, Danny Tanner, for having games like “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader: 2010 Version,” and “Tetris Demo.” You always know what I love (d. In fifth grade.)

And lastly, a treat for you, my loyal readers.

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